[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
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“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine