Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
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“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.