6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
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I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket