[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
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Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.