Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
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Your honor these allegations are
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
dads on road-trips be like
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
3% human
97% stress
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
don’t we all
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t