[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
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Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
181.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.