Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
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I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.