Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
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A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.