“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
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What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?