I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
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I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?