If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
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I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack