I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
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How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.