I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
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cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.