me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
You Might Also Like
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
If you’re testing me, we failed.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]