I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
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how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
do what now??
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
I am yelling
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Banking tips
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same