If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
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When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.