New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
You Might Also Like
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
early stone age tool
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
🤣🤣
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.