Yes
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I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Perfect
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…