They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
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How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Webb. James Webb.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did