I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
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It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Awwwww shit.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
he’s sick of your bullshit today
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”