me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
You Might Also Like
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.