I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
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I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.