Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
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Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
shut up and take my money
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
secret recipe
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”