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OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.