Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
You Might Also Like
I finally found a reason to live again.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.