When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
You Might Also Like
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now