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Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
OH. COME. ON.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.