I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
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Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
San Francisco has too many rules
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.