Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
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[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.