BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
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*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
The Others (2001)
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.