Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
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You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”