Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
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ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.