“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
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when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets