Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
man: wait
time: no
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?