Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
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I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
We’ve come full circle
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.