Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
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Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively