birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
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Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
hi why am I like this
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Not helping
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.