GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
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Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Risking my life for fun.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Feels like the fourth month in January
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true