ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
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reverse psychology? that’ll never work
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”