I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
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Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I want to meet the individual who made this
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate