The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
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I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
the world’s most popular steaming services
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”