i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
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10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
want me to check your oil?
*jingles half the way*
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait