*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
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what kind of cook setting is this??
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Art by Pastelkatto
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Going into Monday like
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.