[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
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America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes