Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
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[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?