I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
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Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please