My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
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God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
want me to check your oil?
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Baller is short for ballerina
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit