If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
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me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.