Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
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I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
🙁
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party