An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
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What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.